What do you feel when you lose a parent—your last surviving parent? I’ve heard people say they feel orphaned, alone, bereaved, abandoned. As crazy as it sounds, I feel a gentle peace.
I lost my mother way too soon. She died sixteen years ago and I was too far away to get to her. I still visit her gravesite every time I go home. I always try to take the orange-yellow roses she loved so much in life. I remember her smile and her soft touch (no one has the same touch as your mother). I remember her habit of running her fingers together and her ever-present Kleenex (usually tucked up a sleeve). I miss her voice and her smell and her eyes resting on me. She was the heart of our family.
My Dad was the soul.
He was the silent partner, the provider. He lived in a house of women and being the man he was, that couldn’t have been easy. He was the gruff Army Sergeant that friends shied away from and boyfriends feared. He was completely independent until the age of 94, when, at his suggestion, we moved him into an assisted living facility (where he resided for eight months). He still drove a car and picked up dry cleaning and visited the Sizzler until two weeks ago when he fell. He always said a fall would be the end and he was right. It wasn’t hitting his head, but shattering a vertebra that caused his spiral downward. One thing led to another and he quickly declined. It was hard saying goodbye to my brusque father, but looking at his peaceful face yesterday, I know he’s already been softened.
Shortly before he passed, a little nun flitted into his hospital room like a delicate butterfly, landing here and there, touching each of us in a gentle, loving way and filling the space with her effervescence. She spoke of the angels that were present and watching over him. I felt them near. Patiently waiting. He acknowledged her visit with a brief eye flutter (the first of the day) as if accepting that it was time to go.
He is now pain-free and in the arms of the many loved ones who preceded him. I know he is in trustworthy hands and the feel of gentle peace that surrounds me is a great comfort.